Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Just One Drink

 
This is one of those posts I wasn't sure if I should share, but it is a significant part of my recovery. So here it goes...
Last Friday night while I was out with my best friend Kaila, I had a... drink. Keyword there is A, as in singular. We were out downtown on a busy Friday night and as we looked at the drink menu something inside of me told me to go for it, so I did. As we sipped our cocktails, that old familiar feeling of relief and calmness began to take over.
 
After finishing our drink, we left that bar and headed to another. As my drink wore off, I began to feel myself craving another. We met up with a few other friends who were ordering more drinks, but thankfully my best friend and wing woman for the night was content with just one drink. As my cravings for another increased, I told her I was ready for drink number two, but she questioned whether or not that was a good idea. Deep down I knew it wasn't, but in that moment I was willing to take that temporary sense of relief instead of looking at the big picture. Having another drink would have led to another and another and eventually a huge amount of guilt.
By the time we were home for the night, the drink had completely worn off and I was feeling great. That might have been the first time I have ever gone out and stuck to the one drink rule. Although the whole bar scene makes me more anxious than almost anything, I not only faced it, but I also had a blast.  
The next day Kaila and I spent the afternoon at the beach and I shockingly wasn't consumed with guilty thoughts from the night before. Actually, I hardly even thought about it. For me to be able to live in a happy moment like that without beating myself up is HUGE.
 
That night when I got home, I didn't mention the drink to my parents out of fear of disappointing them. I had broken my sobriety, after all. (Surprise, mom...)
 
After having a few days to process this and a good talk with my therapist, I'm really thankful for how this situation played out. I knew the day when I would have to face my first drink would eventually come and I honestly don't think it could have gone much better. I learned that having one drink still leads me to want more AND that I can still have a ton of fun without drinking.
 
Recently I've been wondering if drinking would be different for me now that my eating disorder symptoms are under control. My eating disorder and the drinking were directly related. Both were simply a way for me to numb out and avoid the mess of a life I had created. Now that I am back on track with my eating, however, I was curious to see if alcohol had a different effect on me. For now, it still appears too difficult for me to feel comfortable with a single drink... And that's OKAY.
Ever since I admitted to all of you that I got into legal trouble with alcohol, I have been deathly afraid of falling back into that black hole. The only way to get over our fears, however, is to face them head on. I took a huge risk by having that drink, but I also provided myself with a huge opportunity to learn and grow. There is always a trade off in risky situations, but we always have the choice to step back and see the bigger picture.
A huge part of me did not want to publicly share that I broke my sobriety. As an addiction writer for Libero Network and after developing an openness about my struggles with alcohol, I fear this will limit my credibility. But after a nearly a week of thinking about this, I actually now think the opposite is true. Recovery is not perfect. I am not perfect. Keeping my slip up a secret will only allow the shame to build up inside of me.
Bottom line: Drinking is still dangerous for me without a plan and a friend to stop me after one drink. Lesson learned. Don't worry; I do not plan on drinking anytime in the near future. If a similar situation does present itself, however, at least I have a plan and know that if I can survive it once, I can absolutely do it again.
Progress.

14 comments:

  1. I stick to one drink too. It's just a triple scotch neat. :)

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    1. Umm I'm pretty sure a triple anything is technically more than one drink ;)

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    2. We will have to agree to disagree on that one m'lady

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  2. I've had anorexia twice, once when I was 18 and when I was 34, both joined by OCD and I'm training to be a counseller for people with ED's, including BDD and promoting positive body diversity for women....
    I think it was a pretty courageous thing to do Kelsi and will inspire other sufferers to know there not alone..
    Good luck.
    Ben.

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    1. Thanks so much, Ben. Sorry to hear about your struggles, but am glad you are making positive changes in your life. I'm in school for social work specializing in EDs so we are kind of headed in the same direction. Best of luck to you, too!

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  3. I am learning that recovery is a process, not a goal. I think that counting days for sobriety or abstinence (in my 12 step program, this is equivalent to sobriety) sometimes ruin a purpose of a recovery. We are not trying to do perfectly, and sometimes, we fall off. Sometimes, we try to see if we have the program by trying. If you don't try, how do you know? After a while, we will know about who we are, and will stop trying... So, I say, it was a learning experience, but your sobriety was not ruined. Make sense? ;-) xoxo

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    1. That makes perfect sense and I like thinking about it that way much better. So thank you! I will remember that! <3

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  4. I am really happy and proud of you for admitting this - especially with being honest about your feelings. You could have rationalized "Hey i only had one drink, no big deal" but to admit to recognizing your cravings for more and knowing this is not something you are ready for takes true bravery and shows your commitment to recovery. You are not beating yourself up over it, but you also aren't going to brush it under the rug or rationalize it. That is true progress!!!

    Maybe it's connected to your eating disorder recovery with what you're ready for at what times. Maybe one day you can eat freely without having to meal plan, and maybe one day you can drink socially without it turning into a relapse. Both of those things would be nice, but if either never happened, you would still be living a happy, healthy life and it would be worth it.

    Recovery is complicated - all types. I'm far from the belief that total relapse must happen in recovery, but to expect smooth sailing and perfection 100% of the time would not be realistic. Don't ever think your readers in either of your blogs would be disappointed in you for not being perfect - if anything seeing how you coped with it is a positive example of how to move past slips. :)

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    1. Thank you Lindsay! I always love your comments :)
      I agree that recovery is never 100% smooth sailing. Someone recently said to me that the worst thing you can do after a slip is nothing. I had never heard that before, but it's SO true. Someday in the future I can only hope to be meal plan free, seems to take forever. ;)

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  5. you go girl!!! so proud of how far youve come and how you continue to grow... you will always be one of my biggest inspirations!!

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    1. Thanks Em! Glad to see you've gotten back into your writing again :)

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