In my perfect world, I would be the type of person who gladly brought on change. I would never have an ounce of anticipitory anxiety. I would never get sweaty armpits, a shaky voice, and pink cheeks when thrown into the fire. Nothing would bother me. Go with the flow, let it roll off my back, breathe deeply, take a chill pill, you get the picture.
However, perfection does not exist. Well, at least I haven't been able to find it in my little world. Most of my life I have spent trying to achieve "perfection." If asked to give my definition of perfection, I don't think I could come up with a very good answer, because it isn't real.Webster defines perfect as:
Adjective: Having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be.
Verb: Make (something) completely free from faults or defects, or as close to such a condition as possible.
Do you know anyone who is perfect at every single thing they do? I sure don't. So why is okay to expect such high standards of myself?
All morning I have been unpacking, throwing out old clothes, and cleaning my room. My goal is to make it feel like home again. I don't need a single reminder of the old me. This is a fresh new start. Although, in my perfect world I would be thrilled to start new, it hasn't been that simple. I'm petrified, not even close to being thrilled. What if I throw out all of the progress I have made? There is nobody to hold me accountable now, except me, myself, and I. Somehow I'm going to have to rebuild trust not only with my friends and family, but more importantly with myself. It's now time to listen to my body and rational brain instead of my compulsive and disordered brain.
I'm finally starting to realize that my fear of change is really about my fear of not being perfect. Whenever new opportunities come along, mistakes are bound to happen. I have also learned that once I am comfortable in any given situation, it's time to move on; ready or not. Running away and avoiding change is something I have become extremely good at, which means I'm obviously comfortable with it. I think my biggest goal for the next couple of months is simply to be mindful of the decisions I make regarding change. Am I running or embracing new things? Am I allowing myself to let go of the perfectionism? Am I following my rational brain? Who wants to be perfect?! I'm starting to realize my favorite things about people are the things that make them unique and quirky. After all, perfect people are any fun to be around anyways :)
P.S. In honor of all the changes in my life, I think it's time for a new title for my blog. Little Miss Food Snob doesn't exactly promote eating disorder recovery (haha). Any thoughts or suggestions?
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